When a good thing goes bad, it’s not the end of the world, it’s just the end of a world that you had with one girl.
in my case, boy. what’s shitty is, it wasn’t even a “thing”. we didn’t have a “world”. what’s shitty is, even after two months of knowing it’ll never happen, i still want him so much it hurts: hurts to think, hurts to breathe, hurts to exist. it hurts because i keep replaying every text and every kiss and every word over and over and over in my head, wondering what would’ve happened if i had responded differently, or kissed him just a little bit harder. would he have stuck around a little longer? or would he still have decided to try things out with her…
what’s even more shitty is, i’ll never ever know. if i had any courage at all, i’d just ask him. 5 little words “what did i do wrong?” but i’m too scared. i’m scared that the answer will be something i don’t want it to be. i’m scared his answer won’t give me any closure at all, and instead it will open all the old wounds of not being good enough. i’m scared that he’ll admit that he never meant a single word.
but what’s the shittiest is, i’ll just have to stick it out as his friend. what’s shittiest is, i’ll never get what i want, because i don’t deserve a single God-damn thing. the past couple of weeks have confirmed that. and i can’t complain, because it’s nobody’s fault but my own. but it’s still shitty.
And I’m the reason it happened, but I’m overreacting, and it’s all because I don’t want things to change.
